The Newspaper Touches Themselves


By: Allie Bert




In the spirit of love and sex, we thought it would be interesting to explore, and help you explore, being pleasured.To that end, the very lovely and helpful people over at Seduction provided us with a variety of sex toys and the like to review. Most might say the best way to review a product is to provide the facts … but here at the newspaper, we’re all about providing an experience! What better way to figure out if you’re interested in trying something than seeing how it went for someone else? And if you do end up interested, all the better—these products aren’t too expensive (<$30) and are definitely a great way to see a new side to however much sexual experience you already have! ADORE U MIKA BUTT PLUG I never had much of a desire at all to put something up my butt, but somehow I ended up taking home a butt plug. It’s not that I’m averse to the idea of putting something up my butt. It’s whatever, but I did cringe every time one of my friends responded with shock, intrigue and teasing leading up to my big night of experimentation. I suppose I went into the night already tense, hoping it would go well. I did my due diligence in learning how to use the butt plug from those at the store as well as Google, and one of my friends even let me borrow her anal relaxant. I started off by trying to relax by using the vibrator, and then tried out the literal relaxant with a finger or two. Before I go any further, know that it’s a pretty nice butt plug. For its price point it’s definitely more of a starter butt plug, but it doesn’t come off cheap. It’s purple and super soft to the touch (as it’s made of silicone). It’s a few inches long with a hollowed-out base (in case you wanted to introduce a vibrator and bring those sensations to your behind), and is of what I presume is a very manageable girth. So I was optimistic! I was anally relaxing, had some porn going that I knew worked because it was shit I downloaded back in high school and was really starting to get the vibrator going. At some point I got the butt plug out and slathered a generous amount of lube on it—also provided by the store, by the way. The lube was water-based, and well, what more can I say? It does what it’s supposed to do. I slicked the butt plug and pressed it in. From there, I spent upwards of 45 minutes trying to get it in. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if it was in at all, so I would lose some ground while trying to check. But for the most part, I was able to get it about halfway, meaning just before the widest part of the plug … but then not anymore. I guess I just got tired of being in one position for so long that I started to tense up, and ultimately I couldn’t take it any further. So I failed you all, and I am sorry. But I wouldn’t say nothing came of it! I didn’t feel much of anything just by virtue of having the butt plug sitting there inside me, but moving it in and out a bit did feel a bit nice—the sensation of tightness and looseness was new and interesting. I also touched my vibrator to the hollow base, which cause the whole thing to vibrate against and inside me—and that definitely felt nice. There’s something about active stimulation of an area that felt sore because of being worked in a new and different way that felt kind of like getting a good scratch in on an itch. Still,  I would have liked to know what it feels like to get the butt plug in, and I will definitely be trying again sometime soon …  but something tells me the feeling of fullness might not be what I’m looking for the next time I try butt stuff. 😉 FLORAVI LILA VIBRATOR I’m not much for taking my time when I masturbate—that’s why in my mind, my hand has always been the best sex toy. I did buy a cheap little vibrator from Walmart towards the end of high school, and after using it maybe five times I lost interest. When I saw this vibrator, though, it was too pretty not to give it a go. The vibrator is made of smooth, pearl-colored plastic that looks and feels silky enough to make you think it’s a lot more luxurious than its price point would indicate. When you turn it on, its base glows with a ring of white light that reminds me of something from Black Mirror, and to be honest, was just as compelling. I anticipated masturbation taking a while longer with a vibrator, but because of the seven different vibration patterns it offers, it could take about as long as I wanted it to. There are three steady vibration settings that increase in frequency/intensity, and if you’re looking for quick release, that’s the way to go. It brings about a tingle that goes all the way to your toes, and it’s very satisfactory. If you want to be thoroughly sated, it’s worth it to go for a slow burn with one of the patterned vibration settings. There’s one that fades in and out of vibration to a steady beat, and if you leave the vibrator pressed against your clit it will tease you into an orgasm. I’m definitely more for external stimulation with these sorts of toys than internal, but I could appreciate the slick feel of how it slides in—nice and easy because it’s of decent length and relatively slender, and the vibrations do feel pleasant as they reverberate throughout your body. It’s also worth it to try it out with someone else! I don’t come easily when I’m around anyone else, though, so I haven’t yet at the hands of my boyfriend. When he saw the vibrator, he immediately wanted to try his hand at using it on me. I won’t lie, it was cute (and hot, of course) to see him settle into a quiet focus as he got the toy going. He picked one setting and stuck to it, and within seven minutes or less I was starting to squirm and want more … but again, the clit is a finicky thing, so even though I was about to get somewhere I started to feel a bit buzzy in the crotch and stopped to work through it. So even though I didn’t come with him yet, I’m excited about continuing to incorporate the vibrator into how we have sex as we continue to explore how best to please each other! KAMA SUTRA PLEASURE BALM The pleasure balm is an interesting product, because I didn’t know there were things out there meant to stimulate clitoral arousal. Still, I think it’s less about actually inducing arousal and more about introducing so much stimulation to your clit within a short period of time that you’re immediately brought to attention and very clit-aware. That’s essentially what I think is the logic behind the minty, icy-cool feeling the gel gives you once you cover your clit in the pleasure balm, and yes, I do believe I’ll be buying more of this later down the line.

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