If you know anything about my first semester at this prestigious, globally ranked university, you know I spent it fucking guys instead of doing readings and attending lecture. Thus, I have become known in my friend groups for my hoeing abilities. I was applauded for them at one of our last meetings. I’ve fucked a lot guys in a lot of buildings, and this includes the many hotels that downtown Toronto has to offer. I thought I would save you the trouble and tell you which hotels are the best for fucking tourists.

Chelsea Hotel

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The Chelsea Hotel is one of the more noticeable establishments in the Toronto skyline. Because of an episode of The Office that I can barely remember, I thought that The Chelsea was a fancy hotel. To be honest, it reminded me of the mediocre hotel I stayed in when I went to Disney World. The lobby was uninspired and so was the hotel room. While I was happy to add another building to my list (and because the sex was good), I wouldn’t go back.

Courtyard Marriott

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This is actualy the hotel I stayed in when I first came to Toronto, and honestly, it’s one of the nicer hotels here. There are jelly beans in the lobby and the rooms were arranged a little differently than usual. The bathrooms are also nicer, they looked sorta fancy. My one critique is that in some rooms, the sink is separated from the actual bathroom. This makes washing your anus before sex a bit harder cause the soap was on the other side of the hall. But otherwise, nice place.

Delta Toronto

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The Delta Toronto is the rich person’s Marriott and and you can feel that a lot of money passes through. The lobby had a neon-lit bar and some restaurant where dinner for one costs $40. The room I visited was spacious, but the real highlight was the bathroom. Covered in shiny black tile and containing a beautiful shower, it looked like it cost more to build than my entire dorm room. This may have been that way because my sexual partner’s room was on the 44th floor. Hotel experiences tend to be better when the guy has money.

Sheraton Centre Hotel

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My dorm, the Chestnut Residence, is located next to Nathan Phillips Square. On the other side of the square is this hotel, its giant red “S” beaming into the night sky. In the middle of the lobby there was a beautiful landscape; it was one of the only places in downtown Toronto where you’ll find a real tree. Of course, like most of the hotels here, there wasn’t anything unique about the rooms themselves. Picture the most generic hotel room; that was what this guy’s room looked like. At least he made me cum.

DoubleTree

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For those of you unfamiliar with the Double Tree, it’s the cheap looking hotel complex with two towers across the street from my residence. The lobby was... cute, I guess. To be honest, I’ve been there twice and there’s not much to remember. All of the wallpaper was a dull and depressing yellow. It gave the hotel an aura of sadness that made you wonder why you paid to be there. It was actually the same color that my residence, The Chestnut Residence, uses. However, these people get to leave. I’m stuck here for another three months.

Ice Condos

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I know this isn’t a hotel, but let me tell you about this place. For a condo so clearly expensive, the security was bullshit. I once sat in the lobby for 30 minutes trying to figure out where I was supposed to go and the officer didn’t even look at me, despite the fact that I clearly did not belong there. I guess this is why there are so many drugs in these towers because oh my god, there were so many drugs in these condos. Weed, ketamine, CRYSTAL FUCKING METH. These towers are where I had the most terrifying trip of my life. Piles of powder were just sitting on this guy’s counter. Seriously, if you get invited to these condos, get over there as fast as possible.


 

In conclusion, I’ve had a lot of sex in a lot of hotels. I actually left a couple out for time and space (and because to be honest, they were boring). I hope you use this guide to assist you the next time someone buzzes you on Grindr. Or Jack’d. Or whatever dumb app you use.

All illustrations done by Joyce Wong.

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